OMG I'M BLOGGING

If you can't figure out from the title, I am super excited to be blogging. I CANNOT believe it has been 2 months since I blogged? Wow. My life got a little hectic since I GRADUATED! WTF????? Worst decision of my life. I do not recommend it, especially if you're picky like me because you just end up moving home and getting a dog. But whatever, I have a diploma and that makes me pretty awesome. Other than the diploma I DO however have a job, 2 jobs actually, they're fun. My life will be similar to how it was in Blacksburg, revolving around horses. Woohoo.

So like I said, got a new job at a horse barn. Anyone surprised? I'm not. So my job is to basically teach rich kids how to walk, trot, canter and jump if they don't terrify me too much. I also have the pleasure of helping the girls that have decided they actually want to show. But to make sure I was talented enough to teach the girls I had to ride for the coach. This story gets funny, I promise. So as an instructor, I get the LAST pick of horses to ride. So the coach says "You're small, ride that Frosty pony, have fun." I'm up for anything so I am like yeah cool, he's cute. NOT SO CUTE. Frosty is 14hh of pure rage. As I'm tacking up, people are walking past his stall snickering at us and whispering things. I didn't think too much of it until I started walking out to the ring. "OHHHHH you're riding Frosty? Ummm good luck, sometimes he charges into the middle. OH and sometimes he bucks, oh and sometimes he rears. You'll be fineeee, here's a crop." At this point, I'm like okay cool he is going to think I am absolutely incompetent. I get on Frosty, start walking, and once I ask him to trot...what does he do? Attempt to buck me off. NBD. I smack him with the crop, I get another buck, a rear, another buck, a rear, a fat lip. Go forward Frosty, now you're just showing off. So then Frosty is being REALLY GOOD. Aw Frosty, you are cute! BUT THEN, we get called into the middle of the arena. What does my boy Frosty do? RUNS INTO THE MIDDLE BUCKING AND KICKING ALL OF THE OTHER HORSES! I almost killed 3 horses, literally. I guess that is what they were talking about by charging into the middle? Bad Frosty. Needless to say, Frosty did it again and we were excused from the lesson. Fantastic way to start off with the Show Team? I thought so too. Luckily, it was all Frosty's fault and not mine. Poor Frosty :( Now that you can all picture me on an angry little pony having a near death experience, I hope it made you laugh. I was cracking up!

Now I must tell the story of how I acquired my PRECIOUS LITTLE ANGEL DOG, Shamus :) I was basically giving up trying to rescue a dog because honestly I could adopt a child from China easier than dealing with dog rescues. I would find a cute dog. OMG I need that dog! 10 page application, you have got to be shittin me?!!?!? Seriously though, they ask you the stupidest questions. For example, if you do not have a fenced in backyard how will you restrain the dog? OH I DUNNO, A LEASH?! OR TEACH MY DOG TO NOT RUN AWAY?!?! Dumb. So anyway, J.Gould (I miss you) finds my little baby online and I was like NO NO NO NO NO NO. But I come to find out his application was only 1 page, how strange! So I apply, thinking the worst. Good news though, I get approved!!!!!!! :) And I'm like GIVE ME THAT DOG NOW!!!!! His foster mom was like "Let's meet Wednesday at the McDonald's in Roanoke." I don't think anything of it and I'm like SURE! Thank goodness I am smart enough to take someone with me, thanks Little! We get there, and there is 2 sides of this parking lot and all I know if what kind of car she drives. So I end up driving around the parking lot 800 times. 15 minutes past the time I was supposed to have my little nugget and no dog to be seen. I was not happy at this point and thought to myself that maybe it was a scam? I mean really, who says meet me at this sketchy McDonald's and I will give you a dog? I didn't really think about it until I was already there. hahaha oops. After several phone calls, I finally get my little dog. His foster mom cried in the parking lot for 10 minutes. So for never meeting this dog and picking him up in a McDonald's parking lot, he is ABSOLUTELY WONDERFUL. Currently sleeping beneath my chair now :) I am not sure I would recommend getting a dog the way I did because I think I just really lucked out with my wittle baby monkey.

Here is our family portrait :)

He is reallyyyy sleepy in this picture but if you want to see more pictures of my baby, I have about 100 on my Facebook. My brother says I have turned into a crazy dog lady. Care about it? Not me.

Anyway I am going finish planning my lessons for tomorrow, eat pizza, cuddle Shamus & Jameson, ride ponies and probably drink wine alone. Post Graduation is the life people. I seriously do have plans to update my blog on a more regular basis from now on, assuming funny things still happen to me? Haha.

Shoutout to Carly Rae Jepsen because Call Me Maybe plays every 45 seconds on the radio and she has now gotten me addicted. #atleastistilldonthashtag #hashtaggingisdumb #carlyraejepsenisnotdumbthough

OMG BYEEEE. AH WEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Did you know it's 4/20?

OMG FRIENDS, I'M SO SORRY! I can't believe I have gone 2 weeks without filling everyone in on the craziness that is my life. I was reminded this morning by my dad (we all know who my #1 fan is now) how I haven't blogged..."Lauren, why haven't you blogged recently?!?!" uhhhh oops.

But anyway, I'm back. A LOT has happened but most not blog appropriate so sorry if this is not really all that entertaining. If you want to hear all the other shenanigans ask me in person, cool.

I get off the phone with my dad, "Okay Dad, I'll go home and blog right now." My mom calls...it's always interesting when she calls but even I was caught off guard by this. "oh heeyyy Mommm." No hey, no nothing..."Lauren, do you know what 4/20 means, what does 4/20 mean?" HUH? So I told her it was international pot day and that she should probably not partake. She was not expecting that answer, bless her heart.  As you can tell I have REALLY interesting conversations with my parents. How can you not love them?!

We should talk about the song "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen...if you have yet to hear this song (which I doubt unless you NEVER turn on the radio), get on the internet machine and you tube it.  I'm currently listening to it right now. I also danced in the barn aisle and sang this song to a horse yesterday, sometimes I'm strange? yup. Needless to say, the horse did not call me. Back to my point! This gosh forsaken song plays 300 times a day and it's honestly terrible. I think this song is up there with "Friday" by Rebecca Black...and we all remember that shit show. The most ridiculous part is that if I hear "call me maybe" then I can't help but sing and dance. NO STOP IT! BUT I CAN'T! I'm doing it now. Like really, what the hell? Then to top it off, it gets stuck in my head for the next ten hours. GRRR I hate this song! Stop singing Lauren, you're just embarrassing yourself. I don't stop. Whatever. So if anyone pays money to have this song play at Hokie House next time I'm there, I will lose it. I'll be subjected to sing and dance where I will ultimately just make an absolute fool out of myself. So just DON'T play this song ever, and I mean ever. So here's my number so call me maybe...GAH! IT NEVER ENDS!

Next thing...what is this hashtagging shit that is all over the internet? It has got to stop. If you don't know what a hashtag is, no worries because NEITHER DO I. I just know people say a statement then go #andsayanotherstatementlikethis. CAN YOU READ THAT? Barely. It just doesn't make sense. For example, someone's facebook status could be "I have a migraine." Okay we get it, you have a migraine and that sucks. But no, you better follow that up with a hashtag cause you know, that makes a whole hell of a lot of sense. I have a migraine now become "I have a migraine. #thingsidontwannadealwith" WHY WAS THAT NECESSARY? I might be making a big deal out of nothing, but I just don't see the sense in hashtagging. More importantly, do not have a conversation in hashtag. I have a migraine, omg hashtag thingsidontwannadealwithhhh. YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW. I would say this goes along with spaghetti squash and the platypus but those things are cool, and hashagging? Not so much. I advise you not to talk to me in hashtag if this is something you do because you will get a response like...OMG STOP HASHTAGGING #hashtaggingisforbabiesandlooksdumbdoesntthislookdumbcauseyupitdoes. Sorry I'm not sorry. 


This is probably not my best blog entry but I couldn't leave you guys hanging anymore! I think it's time I shower though, I have been in my riding clothes all day. Cool.

Special shoutout to J. Gould cause I know she's out there somewhere doing the pancake danceee! YEAH.

Please enjoy this picture of me being absolutely terrified of this girl since my blog wasn't that funny today. I'll let you figure out why exactly I was so horrified. Some people's kids, I tell ya. 

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One day I'll learn to stop being so inappropriate...

Manners, take a second look and you'll see, there is no like meeee, thereee is no one like me, manners you better reconsider, cause you will never do better...

OKAAAYYYY I'm done singing but I can't stop dancing! If only you all could see me right now. I'm feeling pretty spritely. 

oh mah gurrrllll, it's Wednesdayyy. I am out of control now.

I hope everyone is having a wonderful Wednesday, I know I am! Aside from the fact I wasted 30 minutes of my life standing in a barn because I'm too emotional about getting my hair wet in the rain. I've been called a diva several times this week...I'm starting to believe them? But when life gives you lemons, make lemonade or go to Cook-Out! The M&M milkshake is my new jam. OR apparently you can mix flavors? COOL. They should probs advertise that.

I have got to talk about things that don't make sense to me...the platypus and spaghetti squash. Y'all are probably thinking I'm some kind of crazy but lets think about this for just a hot second. The platypus is a mammal that lays eggs? WHAT? How much sense does that make? You're right, none. Spaghetti Squash? I didn't even know what that stuff was until Sunday. Riddle me how the hell a vegetable turns into pasta once you put it in the oven? I don't have any clue but I literally watched it happened. It delicious though so I'm not quite sure why I am questioning this. If you're wondering how these 2 subjects arose, let me fill you in. For those of you who don't know, I'm going to NATIONALS! Yup, that's right. So before I go in the ring I was instructed to figure out who my "goat" was. Apparently, goats keep you calm and collected before you horse show? I realized I didn't really like goats and we opted to go with "platypus." We referred to my platypus all day as God's joke...IT REALLY IS. So my goat gone platypus made jokes for the rest of the day, keeping me happy and on my way to Nationals! LOVE YOU PLATYPUS - GET THE BITCHES EXCITED! Spaghetti Squash? No real story, but it's pretty weird. Try it though, you'll be surprised by vegetable gone pasta. Just chalk these 2 subjects up to God's jokes and laugh a little.

Back to me being spritely...I have got to find a way to control myself. HA NOT GONNA HAPPEN. Damnit. But I need to blame someone, so sorry Mom you're it. Go listen to the song "I got it from  my mama" by Will I Am and you will fully understand cause I really did get it from my Mama. Maybe we were all just feeling a little too excited after I qualified for Nationals but I do not believe that gives us the right to say exactly what is on our minds. We're not a family that follows the rules, oops. For example, is it appropriate for me to walk up to Sewanne's open rider who looks like a gosh forsaken Ken doll (he's a straight guy for the record) and say "I love you, come take a picture with us." The answer is no. Did it work? You betcha. Good thing I had a wingman, C. Shaw ;) Our team now has a picture with him and he has his arm around me, winning. I then say (without thinking of course) "ummm you're pretty and we love you, but when I say we I really mean me. SEE YA AT NATIONALS." Then comes Mama...looks him up and down and goes "YOU ARE CAYHHHUTTEEEE!" OMGGGG. Mom, don't be such a coug. As my dad keeps his distance shaking his head. You should probs keep her on a leash, she's a wild one. Mom is now planning our wedding. Nationals might be interesting? I'll probably have another blog worthy story. Cool.

I was in a commercial this week. Let me tell you the things I learned...I AM NOT AN ACTRESS. I did mah hurrrr and my makeup, looking all commercial ready. When I get there, we are on top of a mountain...seriously. I should probably read my email but I didn't so my hair turns a hot mess in a matter of .5 seconds and I wore sandals. Losing. Anyway, cool. They called me a diva like 400 times, I highly doubt I'll ever be in another commercial. hahahaha.

I would go more in depth but Hokie House on  a Wednesday is calling my name. OBVS I GOTTA GO.

Shoutout to Jenola for introducing me to the "Mind your manners" song that I can't stop singing (see above) and dancing to. HOLLA.

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Caring is for nice girls...

Happy Sexual Wednesday everyone!

I almost feel like this is a sin to blog on the same day as the new Jenna Marbles video but I don't really have a choice this week so Jenna can get over it, you too Mr. Marbles. Tomorrow morning when I usually blog, I'll be bathing a hairy pony (there's a precious picture of her on my facebook, go like it if you know what's good for you). And just for the record, I do not blog at 6:30 in the morning like it says I do? That would just be weird. This week is pretty crazy with Zones on Saturday, but I still think some exciting things have happened...one of the highlights of my week is being told "I'm just amazed at how cool you are." If you don't really know me and my roomie well, driving in a car with us is probably a bad idea. You WILL be subjected to watching us dance and sing...not well might I add. So thanks group #3 member for just admitting we're pretty cool and not weird like we know you really wanted to say.

This is another topic that I just need to get out in the open and resolved asap. I have been told at least 10 times this week that I am intimidating. Yes, that is the word of choice apparently. I don't really understand this? I'm 5'2" and 120 lbs, WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF? Seriously? I really want to get to the bottom of this mainly because I usually am nice, just ridiculously sarcastic. People need to not take me so seriously because 90% of the things I say are not to be taken that way. SO since this is obvs an issue, you should leave me a comment on WHY you think I'm intimidating and HOW I should fix this false accusation. If you don't think I'm intimidating, thanks :)...This leads me into another story because asking people if they think I'm intimidating has its consequences. By that I mean, don't ask the first person you see at a party if they are intimidated by you because apparently that is just an invitation for them to hit on you. No it's not, you stop it. Don't get up in my face and say "noooooo, you're cute. Are your eyes green?" Um are you color blind? Yes, they're green. I really think he may have been color blind for reals, he thought I had blonde hair. Uhhhh, nah. And I hate blondes, hateeee them (unless you're already my friend). Sorry I'm not sorry.

Now I'm just going to give myself some props for being the BEST big on planet earth. And if you think I'm lying, I have a shot glass that says "Best Big" for proof! But anyway, most bigs don't do the things that I do for their littles (I love you all by the way). And I know I'm doing a really good job when they start throwing out comments and my reaction is like "omg, that is something I would have said." For example, like taking my little out drinking and she starts saying "LAUREN, IT'S TIME TO TAKE SHOTS!" Ummmm, it's 1:30 in the morning. It might be beer thirty but it's definitely not shot o'clock. She obviously disagrees with me and sees some fratastic d. bag with a blazer and tie on double fisting what I'm going to believe were rail drinks...if you don't know what a rail drink is, go to TOTS, order one and then you'll probably hate your life for the next day and a half. Anyway, she proceeds to start drinking one of his drinks but once he actually starts talking to her she waves her hand and says "You can go now" and dismisses him off. OMG! My jaw dropped, literally. I like to call this "making bros my bros." I could not have been more proud in that moment! I don't need anymore proof than that. I'm obvs doing something right with my life by passing down my awesome personality traits to the younger generation.

My Wednesday blog has been surprisingly enjoyable. I might have to start blogging on sexual Wednesday, you can deal with it Jenna Marbles. I do what I want, damnit! I should probably get back to packing, laundry, dancing and being awesome.

Special shoutout to everyone who played me in Words with Friends, especially to the first person to play me :), after last week's post. I am now playing 11 games of WWF, and losing all 11 of them. Oh yeaaah! I hear through the grapevine that several people want to make my blog before they graduate so start doing awesome things!!!

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This is seriously my life...

Week 2! holler. I hope this one brings as much enjoyment as the last...

My "t" button on my computer is sticking so if there are randoms t's missing in words, you know why. grrrrrr it's getting on my nervesss. rawr. Having to erase back and punch down the "t" button every time I leave one out is getting really old.

I need to first start off by talking about the addictions in my life. I promise they're not weird like collecting cabbage patch dolls or eating sofa lint. More like drinking excessive amounts of coffee (which I'm partaking in now, oops) and this gosh forsaken facebook game...Words with Friends. ugh.. Maybe you're playing me? And by playing me I really mean beating me. It's starting to become a serious issue...the person that got me started needs to pay, you know who you are *cough* J. Gould *cough*. For those of you who aren't on the Words with Friends bandwagon yet, it's pretty much like scrabble and you send words back and worth to you friends on facebook. It sounds ridiculous, I know. But getting a triple word is pretty awesome. Anyway, I'm really bad and I lose pretty much every game. Lucky for me, my computer tells me that I win every single game I play so my feelings don't get hurt. But for real, my roommates and I sit in the same room screaming at each other "IS THAT REALLY A WORD!?! REALLY? YOU GOT 18 POINTS FOR PUTTING AN X NEXT TO THAT I? REALLY????!!!" Sometimes things like that happen...it might be embarrassing? So basically, you should play me in Words with Friends so you can beat me and I can continue to not do shit with my life.

NEXT TOPIC. This topic actually makes me really mad so brace yourselves friends. I need to put this out in the open and HOPEFULLY someone who is guilty of this will read my blog and cut it out. Married men need to start getting their act together, seriously. Not all married men, not the ones that stay home with their wife and kids but the ones you catch out at bars on Saturday nights trying to pick up girls. I must have some look on my face that married men really like because I can't seem to get them to leave me the eff alone. DO NOT come put your arm around me and start talking to me just because I'm 2 long island's in. It does not mean I'm gonna go home with you. Better yet, maybe if you do want to try to get with me, or any girl for that matter you should probably learn to be slick enough to keep your left hand in your pocket or something. Or learn from the best, married men from KY don't even wear their rings to the bars. Talk about sketchy. So don't be surprised when I walk away after I see your wedding band, not interested. WHAT ARE YOU EVEN DOING AT A BAR?!! GO HOME TO YOUR WIFE! Do not follow me...just don't. What do they do? follow me. What do I do? Find random people that I don't know to make them go away. Cool. I never thought I'd have this problem in Blacksburg...Lexington, KY was enough for me. SO for all you married men out there, when you see a young girl at a bar, reflect in and reevaluate what you're doing with your life. We are not interested in being your girl on the side because your wife isn't gonna go after you when she finds out, homegirl is coming after us. So please, just stop. Stay home with your wife for a change? Marriage counseling? Get a dog? The solutions are endless. Work on it.

Time to wrap this up...I am going to end with a story pertaining to my blog. Before I start, everyone should know the kind of relationship I have with my parents. They understand me, everything you hear me say so do they. My parents and I are good buds. So my Dad and I are texting and I am telling him about how I got this blog. He wants to read it so I make sure it's not too off the wall before giving him the link. I text back saying "It's basically about how I'm a bitch to guys and I drink a lot of wine...you already know those things right?"...his reply..."Wine? No. Bitch? Yes." I DIED. SERIOUSLY. I could not stop laughing. So that day I figured out that I get my wittiness from my Dad. Give yourself a pat on the back Dad, you're pretty awesome. You should probably hug my dad next time you see him, I know someone who will...he loves hugs. right Vickmizzle (I did not make up this alias)?

I wish I could be this productive for my Technical Writing class but writing about nonsense English crap versus my ridiculous life, no comparison. Anyway I think it's time to jam to Rack City, make my bed, enjoy the peacefulness of my apartment and drink more coffee.

Special shout out to my other roomie because I heard she's a wild one. OHHHHHHH ohhhhhh ohhhhhh.

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The week after Spring Break...

HERE IS THE MOMENT YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!!

Forgive me in advance, I'm running on 5 hours of sleep and this girl does not do well without sleep...things might get a little crazy. And, I was drinking wine until 1 am. Did I mention I work at 6:30 in the morning? Good life decisions. OH, and as I'm writing this I will probably eat an entirely sleeve of Thin Mints. Yes, I know it's 8:30 in the morning. Do I care? nahhh.

SO the hype all last week was everyone is on spring break! woot. But what I care about is the week AFTER spring break. Yes, you might be super tan because you just came back from Florida but now you're back at school and you can tell how many people it truly affects. 50% more people are riding the struggle bus to class...yeah it's probably a good thing you got that tan because you forgot to brush your  hair? oops. So anyway, most people are still adjusting from their time away from school but  me...I'm on my A game. My comments are whitty as all get out and I've been feeling quite spritely all week.

My first spritely moment of the week...encounters with JSM. I've come to terms with our mother-daughter relationship but I really took it public this week. After she instructed our group to "not be sluts" I couldn't resist my comments. Usually I can filter in my head what I'm about to say but not this week. I hope I had a motive to actually say this but I really can't remember it...anyway, I told her she was the reason I drank. You can all laugh now but WAIT, her comeback was good. She told me I was the reason she had grey hair. Impressed? I really was, didn't know she had it in her. So put that on your list of things to NOT say to professors. IT GETS BETTER. Never use the phrase "pretty is as pretty does" around your best friend that has known you since you were 7 because it only ends badly. You'll probably have it followed by "Is that your philosophy on life Lauren, is that why you're allowed to be mean?" YUP. THAT HAPPENED. As I wanted to turn around and call her a really nasty word I remember that I was surrounded by oh I dunno, 3 people that don't want to hear me say that word. So I turn around silently and moved on with my life. Winning? Not so much.

I just thought my blog was gone because my computer turned off...I FOUND IT! It's gonna be a good day friends.

Maybe I'll just get a Pinterest...Oh, those Thin Mints...gone.

I'll just move on to my next thought...the opposite sex. Now usually I don't have many problems in this department because I complete alienate myself from all encounters but this week has gotten pretty strange. If you're gonna text me and call me a stupid pet name like "honey" (ew, gag)...the least you can do is spell is right. What is "hunny"? I don't get it? Really? Then when I text  back "ew. weird", you should probs quit it. Just don't do it, seriously. My name is Lauren, you can call me that. Thanks. I also got quite witty when he mentioned going out with me. Normal girls are like "oh yeah, I'd love to!"...Me? I give the response of "Maybe I'd let you buy me dinner." REALLY? Good job Lauren. I pat myself on the back for that one. So yes, outrageous comments as such do really come out of my mouth. Then I ponder on the fact that there is probably not a guy out there that could handle me but if there is, he'll be fully entertained til death do us part.

I wish I had more time to write about the other 84588 ridiculous things that have happened to me recently but I need to dance in my room to Starships by Nicki Minaj (it really pumps up my day) and I need to make my bed, go to class, eat more cookies and drink more wine. As you can tell, it's gonna be a busy day.

Special shout out to my roomie because she told me I was amazing 17 times yesterday. Do something awesome and maybe you'll get a shout out in my blog? Work on it.

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