The high school conspiracy from Lauren's point of view

And we all know my point of view is the only one that REALLY matters. Well this is my blog after all so that would make sense...I do see the world through a pair of rose colored glasses, which I'm currently wearing as I'm blogging because the sun is shining rather bright through my window and I refuse to close my blinds. Picture that, y'all. I'm a total freak.

Two random things before I begin my rant of the century...

1. I'm absolutely embarrassed to admit I am super into the new Fall Out Boy song - My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark. Currently jamming to it on repeat. To save my reputation and any criticism, the song does feature 2Chainz and we all love him (although I can't actually hear him in the song). Good job FOB, this song is the best thing since Sugar We're Going Down Swinging (embarrassed again) and it isn't such an emo, make you wanna slit your wrists kind of song. Okay, maybe it is. I did see them in concert when I was like 14, total badass.

2. I call my dad yesterday to tell him something BIG that happens in my life and I get cut off - "Are you gonna write about this in your blog?" What, Dad? You don't have to listen right now because you'll just read about it in my blog? Thanks a lot. :) Love ya!

I wouldn't say that was a very blog worthy topic but this one is and I'm curious if anyone else, typically the ladies, have experienced this - PEAKING IN HIGH SCHOOL. I fully, 100%, honestly, truthfully, admit I PEAKED in high school. It's been all downhill since. I've lost it and got to turn this shit around, stat.

Maybe it's because I was the girl that dressed like this in high school...

Maybe that's also the reason I went to like 8 Homecomings and Proms every year? I remember my Mom saying "Are you sureeee that's the dress you want to wear?" Yup, Mom I do. The Nuns probably prayed for my soul. Did I mention that I went to an all girls high school so obvs this girl's got swaggg. I actually still dress like this, probably worse now actually. Oops.

But seriously, I was on top of the world in high school; popular, had more friends than I could count, boys waiting by my car when I got out of school. Can't say I actually got to talk to them because my principal strategically placed himself near me and my friend's vehicles to send the boys right off. I was the queen of boy advice, being an awesome wingman and matchmaker. The real deal, y'all.

My social life was busy 24/7 365. My parents would always be like "Okay, Lauren you have to stay in at least one night every once in awhile...or better yet go get a job." No time for a job, because when I wasn't being Ms. Social Butterfly I was at the barn or a horse show. I actually really didn't want to get a job because that would totally screw up my social calender. Side note, I DID give in and get a job where I was ALSO Ms. Popular and all the guys working there LOVED me so I didn't mind going so much ;).

For the record, I also dressed like this. I don't think he minded so much...

Okay, so now we all know what I was like in high school - popular, crazy, wild, fun, adorable, etc. Oh, and I had a total thing for lax players - bad choices ladies, bad choices. So let's talk about how it's all gone downhill for Lauren O'Neil.

I'm laying in bed at midnight on a Saturday night (I'm a gosh forsaken riot nowadays) talking to my best friend on the phone and she says "Do you remember what we were like in high school and how easy dating was?" BLOG INSPIRED TOPIC.

YES IN FACT I DO. I didn't have to try at all - I had it all with the snap of my fingers. Now??? Nothing. I can barely get a guy to buy me a drink at the bar. And I have half as many friends and most of them don't even live near me.

A few thoughts ran through my head - Am I ugly now? Have I "settled down" too much? Did I forget how to flirt? Am I significantly less charming now? Do guys graduate high school and suddenly enter the douche bag period of their lives?

While some of those things may be true I believe there is a conspiracy behind me peaking in high school. The fact is now, that we're all in our twenties that shit is OLD NEWS. Dating is overrated. Dudes (unless they're a really good date) don't want to spend the time picking a girl up, paying for dinner and talking about her all night long because they've been doing it since they were 16. But when they were in high school it was all NEW and it was fun and they were "cool:" to pick up one of the hottest girls from the all girls school, take them to dinner and movie and listen to them talk about themselves forever. Old news, chopped liver, leftovers from 3 nights ago - THAT'S ME NOW. Guys are over that shit now and don't want to try. Girls are kind of over it too - it's not as fun when the whole school isn't talking about who you went out with over the weekend. It's like "Yeah, so I let him buy me dinner and I tried not to gouge myself in the eye with my fork the entire meal." Dating isn't fun and exciting anymore, it's miserable and boring.

So gentlemen, let's try and pretend dating is as new, fun, and exciting as it was in high school. I know I would probably be a lot more pleasant if you weren't so boring. We just need to keep the maturity at a respectable level. And even the break ups - it was like "well that was a fun run, see ya." Now it's tears, heartbreak, sadness for like ever. That shit doesn't work for me.

So now you all know my theory. If any other girls are experiencing this same problem now you know WHY. Let's all with a collaborative effort, turn this shit around. And if that doesn't work my Plan B is to go on the Bachelor - guess I'm in a win win situation? There's always stripping too?

Anyone else had this happen to them? If I'm alone in this matter, that makes me very sad.

 

I guess I still dress like this, add a little alcohol, dancing and it's pretty easy to make some terrible decisions.

Well I'm gonna wrap this up while I still have my dignity intact. I would appreciate feedback though. 

 

Shout out to all the lax players out there - I hope y'all have dialed down your egos a little. You're probably half the reason I was such an egotist in high school. Thanks a lot, jerks. Glad I got to take a 4 year break from you guys in Virginia. Sike Matt, you're still cool. 

Until next time - unless I quit blogging forever because of this pathetic post. 

241,

Lauren <3

The art of making friends post grad...

Hello blog followers! Welcome back :)

Before I begin I thought of one more deal breaker that is the BIGGEST of them all. How could I forget?!?!

16. If a guy is stupid or can't spell. "Famley is really important to me." or "Bye the way, your dog is cute." EXCUSE ME, WHAT?!?!?! Do you mean "family"??????? "Bye" with an "e" means like see ya later. OMG STOP TEXTING ME.

Alright, done with that rant. On to more important things. This is my advice for making friends after graduation...it worked me for me so good luck to y'all who wanna give it a go. Let me know how it works for you.

Moving to a new town that already doesn't have a hopping night life aspect makes it really difficult to make friends. Out here we got some horses and some mushrooms, that's it. NO, not those kind of mushrooms - you know who you are! For the first few weeks you'll be drinking wine alone and cuddling your dog. Maybe hoping that one day he'll actually talk back to you. Well, you'll start really considering it after you've finished that bottle of wine. Oops.

Then maybe you'll decide, "Oh, I'm going to join the YMCA and hope I make friends there." Except in reality, you're going to a Pilates class with a bunch of 50 year old women who are wayyyy better at Pilates than you are. Also, the eye candy in the weight room is never really that good. Dammit. But of course if you spot some guy wearing a Virginia Tech shirt in the Wellness Center, you WILL stalk him and he will be very scared. Also, oops. I mean, Go Hokies?

Up to this point in life it's so easy to make friends (if you're not a freaking crazy person). College practically throws them in your face without giving you a choice. Real life, adult life; you have got to get creative. You have to get so creative, you're not even sure that you're still searching for friends.

For example, one of my first friends in PA came from Craigslist. YUP, I know you're all thinking I'm a crazy person! But to clarify, I wasn't desperate enough to post in the Craigslist "Looking for friends" section. I put up a roommate ad saying I was new to the area, 23, with a dog. She answers back "Hey, this might sound a little crazy but I'm new to the area, 22, with a dog." I'm like OMG TWINZZZZ.

On to the awkward meeting encounter...I call my friends and parents "Alright guys, if you don't hear from my by 9 it's because this chick is whack and she actually threw my body in a ditch to hide the evidence." Luckily that wasn't the case. But I did stand at the front of the restaurant and text "Hey, I'm here standing up front wearing a black North Face and looking like the most awkward person in the world." So true though. While waiting, I felt I was the subject to a lot of online dating first meetings as well. "Hey, are you Shelby???" Oh honey, if you were better looking I would totally be Shelby. Oh well. You win some, you loose some.

So we meet! "Lauren??!" Oh hey, girlllll. We walk back to our table and my Craigslist friend (she does have a name but I can't think of a better nickname than "Craigslist friend") is like "This place is pretty cool, right?" And me of course within minutes of meeting her I already pull out the outrageous comments -  "Yeah, I like it so far. It's a total sausage fest in here." I can't really believe I said that but, I did. Her response "Omg, we can totally be friends." Winning.

Now we hang out all the time which consists of walking our dogs, drinking, and talking about horses. I think people have a tough time believing we found each other on Craigslist. I do!! We might light of it though. If something cool happens we say "That's just Craigslist awesome." So basically in a nutshell this story is - Craigslist awesome.

And now we're totes adorbs and Craigslist awesome 24/7.

To sum up, making friends is hard post graduation but if you follow in my footsteps you'll find yourself a good one that comes with a pretty funny story too. So now you all know the art of making friends post grad - Craigslist.

Emma, or better known as my Craigslist friend, gets the shout out this week for her quote of the night last night. "Men are scum, they are not evolved, they are still dragging their clubs." I almost crashed my car I was laughing so hard. She speaks the truth though.

Until next time blog followers,

241 <3 Lauren  

Welcome back to the best blog you'll ever read...

Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit. This probably isn't the best blog you'll ever read but it's pretty funny, right?!?! Say yes, dammit.

As promised I'm going to begin blogging again after some much needed inspiration!

I want to start out with a topic from a blog I read that made me go hmmmm I want to write about that...deal breakers. Girls (and guys too I guess) all have deal breakers but have you ever really sat down and thought about what they were? I did. So without further adieu,  here are some of my deal breakers...some MAY be based on true events...

1. Jean shorts. Guys should just never ever wear jean shorts. Khakis I can dig it but jean shorts, you are just sadly mistaken. Some of my friends use it as a good excuse for boy's actions; "Oh if he doesn't like you, it's cool because he probably wears jean shorts anyway."  Bottom line, just don't.

2. Guys that call over and over again, then text 25 more times, then decide to call from their friend's number because they think I was born yesterday and I'll pick up. Nah brah. Call once and if I don't call you back it's because I don't wanna talk to you. Kind and respectful NO THANK YOU!

3. Guys that don't like animals. Especially dogs or horses. Shamus and Bert are kind of my life. "Well I'm really a cat person" doesn't count, byeeee. Oh, and you kick my dog out of bed then I kick YOU out of bed.

4. When a guy uses "being drunk" as an excuse for everything. "I didn't mean to get her pregnant, I was just drunk." or "I wasn't being an asshole, I was just drunk." Well wouldn't you know that just solves all your problems? NEXT!

5. Guys that "don't like beer." "I'm actually good with my Sex on the Beach but you go ahead and order whatever you want." Actually I have to go wash my socks. See ya. That's just not masculine.

6. Speaking of lack of masculinity, guys that drive a Ford Focus or Toyota Yaris...really? Are you serious? "I get great gas mileage and I'm all about going green." I'm all about efficiency too but come on! Please don't call me back unless you decide to trade that wimp car in for a truck. Not gonna work for me.

7. Guys that continually tell me how much debt they're in and how they can't pay their bills. "Sorry I can't actually take you to dinner tonight, I can't even afford Ramen Noodles right now." REALLY? You can't be that bad at managing your money or at least don't bring it up every .2 seconds. You weren't that cute to begin with.

8. Guys that can't laugh or appreciate sarcasm. Sarcasm is like the only language I actually know how to speak. "What, are you serious?" Really dumbass, look at my face. Nothing is serious right now. Stop being so uptight!

9. Guys that are vegetarian or vegan. Just no, I can't do it. We will basically have nothing to talk about ever and I hope I don't offend you by ordering steak at dinner. "You know how they slaughter the animals, right?" Yes, actually I do and this tastes so good. Sorry I'm not sorry.

10. This one is my favorite...guys that tweet, facebook, or just complain about being alone. Next time you should tweet "Hey ladies, I'm super insecure and a loose cannon just waiting to go off the second you try to leave." There is nothing wrong with being alone! The right one will come. Get a dog, make friends, hire a prostitute but for gosh sake please don't use social media to express your insecurities. Not attractive.

11. Not necessarily a deal breaker but depending on my mood I may be jammin' to Lil Wayne or listening to the polar opposite, Luke Bryan. PLEASE, for the love all things good in the world DO NOT change my Pandora station and say "This song is too black for me." or "This song is too redneck for me." Oh no you didn'tttt.

12. If a guy's behavior is so ridiculous that you can't be seen in public with him. "Oh perfect, you just puked all over the place and now we're kicked out and officially never invited back." I hate you.

13. Guys that claim they hate when girls are too independent. Really? So you would rather have me stocking your bathroom full of tampons and putting throw pillows on the bed? Calling you, tweeting you, texting you, and showing up wherever you check in on Facebook? Yup, makes total sense. Good news to all the crazy girls out there, you're not gonna die alone!

14. Another favorite...the overuse of pet names. "Hi baby, how are you sweetie, looking good beautiful, oh sweet pea can you grab me that?" Ummmm did you forget my name? Yeah, you did. Baby's gotta go.

15. Momma's boys are cute and all but if you're a little too obsessed with your mom or vice versa sorry but no. I will NOT be your mom and you should not fantasize about her when you're with me. I think this is a reasonable request.

I'm gonna go ahead and stop here. Now that no guy will ever date me...oh well, at least I don't settle right?!?!? I actually think most girls will agree with me on this points. After reading this it seems I need some brawny dude that will cuddle my dog. Call me? I challenge all of you ladies out there to think of your deal breakers.

This was really long so I'm going to have to discuss the art of making friends post grad and hashtagging/Twitter in another post.

Shout out to all the people who don't think I'm a crazy bitch after reading this. Oh hi Dad! (He's my biggest blog fan haha.)

241 <3 Lauren

Is it really March 2013?

You bet your boots it is. You know what that means? I officially started blogging a year ago. Although I have failed majorly at blogging on a regular basis (adult life gets in the way of blog time - to all my baby Hokies DO NOT GRADUATE!). No seriously, fail all your classes and get drunk on TOTS Tuesday for the rest of your lives. I'm going to change things around but not right now because it's 2:38 in the morning. BUT friends be on the lookout for a post discussing my list of deal breakers to all you boys out there, the art of making friends post grad, and my new profound thoughts on hashtagging & Twitter. I might also throw out some witty comments pertaining to the Bachelor. TEAM ASHLEE, oh wait she jumped on the crazy train and got the boot? Dammit. Team Catherine - GO COUGS!

Shout out to Jacklyn Swartz of the Bachelor and Bachelor Pad whose Blog, www.blondhairdontcare.com, has inspired me to blog again. And sorry I am stealing one of your ideas but it's so good!

241 <3 Lauren